Stuck in the past

I see my friends and family going off and living their lives, and I feel stuck. I have a good job, and I live in a good home. But I still feel as though my life isn't going anywhere. I watch videos of people having babies, buying new houses and finding love with others, themselves and the world. I see people fighting for their right to be happy, travelling, enjoying their lives. I watch and fantasise about a life that I could have if I were strong enough to fight for it.

I plan and make a routine that I can follow, to have some order in my life. But these days when I feel like doing nothing, there's no routine in my day. I just feel hopeless, sad and useless. Like I am a disappointment, not only for those around me like my family and friends but also for myself.

I hate being pulled into social media, as it's about other people's lives, and makes me feel less like I have a life and more that I am just here for others to look good.

I know that it is a horrible way to look at things, as I also know that there are people in worse situations than me.

But I can't help feeling that way.

I had so many plans for me, for my future, but when does my future, my life start? Now?!

Why can't I feel it start, why do I feel too stuck, like I am not moving anywhere? And all those things I want to do and achieve, I almost don't feel like the world wants me to achieve, and live my life. My brain hurts all the time, and my past trauma is restricting me when it comes to finding love or loving myself. No matter how much I try to love myself, the hate is stronger.

I feel like I am dying every day, and that I am just waiting for death.

There is so much that I want to do, but for me to do any of these things, change has to happen. I can not carry on the way that I have been. The only real thing that is stopping me from following the life that I want to live, is my mind. My past trauma, and the problems that I still have with the ones I don't want to be around. How do I tell them to leave me alone? When they are in my life forever.

I plan on starting some groups, to fill the emptiness of my life. To get me out of my room, and to help me meet others. Make new friends, help me to live. Because there is so much to live for, if only I open my eyes, and not be scared to try.