I never know the right thing to say or do. I always seem to say the wrong, at the wrong time.
Yesterday was a bad day. But I couldn't write about it, because it hurt too much. The only place I thought that I could cry was the shower. And I did. I really needed a hug, but I didn't know how to ask for it or go about getting it.
I woke up late, so late that the day had come and gone in a flash. I lay in bed, frozen. Not able to move, or lift a finger. I was desperate for the toilet, my body was aching, my stomach rumbling, screaming for food. My brain was on fire, and I felt sick. But could I move? No! not an inch. I just laid there. Maybe I moved a little, but that was only to move on my side or turn on the tv.
After willing myself out of my bed, I crawled to the toilet, put my dungarees on, and trodded downstairs in search of food. I suffer and I hurt and need to cry. Still, I fill up on cups of tea, bowls of different cereals, plus hundreds of pieces of toast, and biscuits. I try and watch videos to lighten my mood, even when I want to hide under my covers and never see the light of day again. I'd eaten, and brought my laptop downstairs to work and apply for jobs,
Man! This whole gay thing is messing with my mind. I think and dream about females. I see my life and future with a woman. I love women, attracted to women, romanticly and sexually. But I still find guys attractive. But I don't see my future with them. Doesn't mean of course, that I wouldn't sleep with a guy. I just don't have any romantic feelings towards men. I don't want to date men. I think I am more confused about my sexuality than before I came out. I know that I am gay. When I was growing up, I always knew that if I was a boy at my birth and not a girl, I'd be gay. I knew it. I knew it before I knew it. Does that make sense?
Anyway, back to the top, and to the title. 'When you are in a hole, all you can try is digging up.'
I was in a hole, but by the time I woke up this morning, I felt better with every second breath. I still have a brain on fire, and I am sad, but I started to dig myself out of the grave that I dug for myself. I have come to notice, with my other posts, that I reference this phrase, a lot. Because I mean it. 'I try to dig myself out of the grave that I dug for myself.'
Because that's how I feel. Every time I chose or can't control choosing, or don't choose but end up there, I am digging a hole. Which gets deeper and deeper, and I get swallowed up, I feel like I am being buried alive and I can't get out. There are days, weeks, and even months when I feel like that. During those times, I maybe can move about, work, meet friends, and write. But I wouldn't tell you, not to your face, unless it's too hard, and then I can't keep it in and let rip with tears. I don't like being pitied, or treated differently like I can't handle something. I know that if I had the confidence to say, 'I am not doing so well to people's faces, I'd be worried that I shifted the mood. I don't want to ruin other people's days.
With my choice of guys in the past and girls in the current past, it has been hard to open up. Because once I do, they get weird. Treat me differently. I am more than my depression and Anxiety. I am a very loving, loyal and fun friend and family member. But of course, I already know this about myself. But a lot of people that I have met, aren't interested in what I am good at or what I like when they know that I suffer from mental health.
I have a crush on this girl. She is beautiful and smart, and a great friend. I'd like to invite her out on a date, but I don't think that she is interested in girls. I really enjoy talking to her, but we haven't known each other that long. Still, I smile every time we talk.
I guess we will have to see where this goes. Happy feelings, even if it is only one-sided happiness. It feels good to have a crush again.
Thank you, if you're still reading this post. I didn't quite realise how much I had to say before I started to write. And man, have I missed this. xx
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