Took a walk yesterday, me and my dad. We walked around Sorø lake, with the heat of the sun blasting our every step. I wasn't ready, I couldn't leave my front door, and I had to push myself out. My anxiety was through the roof, and the ride to the lake was agonizing.
I had forgotten to take my fidget spinner and I struggled to keep my fingers flat. They felt like ridged jelly, sweating all over, breathing deeply in and out. Panic attacks grabbed on tight and took over me. Trying to push it aside, though it kept coming back to me. Not letting go. He was behind me, as I struggled to walk ahead, run away, and leave that place. Far tried to catch up with me, but found it hard too. If I had stepped out of my own body, I'd have thought it looked like I was struggling with my own body, mind and soul. Far caught me up, and I was so confused as to why he couldn't see him. Was he in my mind? could I only see him, feel him? Be tortured by him?
We rushed to the car, I said out loud that I had had a panic attack and I was scared. 'What do you want me to do about that?!' That was the response, So I kept my mouth shut, and pushed out what I wanted to say. I wanted to be asked if I was ok, how I was doing now, or just embraced in a hug.
We drove back to Far's house, where my brother was waiting for me to come. I embraced him with hugs and kisses and joined him in their swimming pool. We splashed about, whilst we waited for dinner.
We were sunbathing to dry off, and Noah noticed my self-harm scars. He asked me, what it was. And I didn't know what to say to him. I said that I was sick, and had to feel the pain to control my mind. It broke my heart.
How do I explain my mind, and how I am most days, to my little brother? He is almost 9 years old, he has his life to live, before I feel like I can tell him. Even if it is only a vague amount.
He thought that I was playing around, so he bit down on his arm, not as hard as I do, but...
He had marks on his arm whilst we ate dinner, and it broke me. He is my world, he was sad because it hurt, so I hugged him and told him not to do that again. Kisses covered his face, and a small panic attack emerged through me. I could feel it moving up my spine, creeping towards the doors that lead out of my body. Felt my fingers going fridged, slow breaths, and sickness in my stomach.
One day, I'd like to try and tell him some parts. But I hope to have a better handle on it. There's no way that I can talk with him about it now. He is too young.
But I do know, that it scared me.
Commentaires