I sit here, watching god awful tv and feeling sadness overcome me. I don't have anywhere to turn, no one to hear me, or anyone that cares.
I haven't cried yet, but i am scared that i will boil over. Even though I know i have love, support and a massive family behind me, trying to look out for me. They don't understand why I am so sad. Can't help where they don't understand. And when i think i am getting better, taking one step forward, i am really taking ten jumps backwards. I feel like i am never going to get out of this hole that I've built for myself over the years.
When i reach out, it gets rejected. When i voice my words, they get shut down. When i try and explore someone else or something else, my mind prevents it and spoils every good new thing.
I can't think straight, i hate this, i want this to stop. I just don't know how.
Trust me, I've asked every possible help that i can get my hands on, nothing has worked. They leave, they don't care, they give up on me, and my trust for people abandons me and dies. Every breath it steals, i get weaker and sadder.
I don't feel safe in my body. Or around me.
And i don't know what to do.
Do i stay in the hole, do i try and dig myself out, or do i dig deeper and try and save myself from myself?
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