A sore subject this one is.
I don't particularly like talking about this one. But i need to, in order to feel better, happier, and understand what is going on.
You see, when i was a baby, i was called "flødeboller" which is marshmallow in Danish. That was my nickname. I also had chubby cheeks that we so red, that i was also nicknamed "tomato" 🍅.
But as i grew up, i became a twig. My mum would get worried about my weight, and start to think that i was doing something to get thinner, but i wasn't. The more i ate, the less it stuck to my body. So i stopped eating, i exercised, and watched my weight. It didn't go up, only down. I got worse.
For so many years, I'd be a twig figure, embarrassed to be seen in public, so i wore baggy clothes. But that didn't help me at school, where everyone would bully me, for just about everything and nothing all rolled into one sweet package.
Don't get me wrong, i wasn't hospitalised due to my weight, but i could've been close. I was so close, to the weight, that would've been dangerous.
Everytime I got the cravings to eat something, I'd punch myself. Wherever. I'd bite my arms, fingers,and scratch at myself, to feel the pain somewhere else that wasn't my stomache. I knew it was bad, but i couldn't stop.
As i grew though, the rules were reversed, I'd eat like nobody's business, but the hurting myself part, stayed the same. All the way up, to right now. As I'm writing this, I'm also biting my arms.
Last Sunday i cut my finger. It bled for hours and hurt like hell. I told everyone it was a mistake, an accidental slice with a knife. But that wasn't completely true.
I wasn't thinking, i knew that it was sharp, but i was sad and distracted, that i thought, "why not?! It's just s little bit of pain!"
It's healing now. Still hurts, but no bled.
A couple years ago, i let myself go, and put on weight, to depressed to do anything about it. Only now, i can't fight with myself Everytime I want to help myself, I've got to get this into a routine. Because once it becomes a routine, i know that i can stick to it. Be healthy again.
I want to be healthy and fit, with muscle and toned body, without ending up like a tomato or a twig.
I can get there, I've always believed that i can, so i am going to show my younger self, that anything is possible, if you just believe in yourself. You can conquer it all.
You are one of the strongest people I know and I love you, my wonderful sister xx