I have had a few sleepless nights, panic attacks and a lack of food to enter my mouth. There are days that I can't get out of my room, I'll get dressed and ready to go, but I will have a panic attack and won't be able to leave my room.
I think it has a lot to do with feeling trapped in THAT memory. That memory that I kept in the back of my mind, didn't think about for a couple of years. I almost forgot that it even happened. And then I am reminded. And I can't stop thinking about it.
I was trapped in that room, so when I feel that memory come along, I feel rooted to the spot, I can't move, I can't breathe. I am back in that memory, back to being that girl that couldn't get out. Because when I was trapped in that room, I felt physically trapped in my own room.
I will leave the room, after nights and days wishing to somehow escape my room. To try and take a hot shower, feel the heat and the power, somewhere that I can cry and feel safe. Unforantly that won't be the case this time. I can't take a nice hot shower, as the plumbing is blocked.
I will either feel great and have no words, or no feeling once inside the heat. Or I feel and see every memory come closer to me. It can be like an escape, it encourages me to get out and do something that day.
Not having the heat of the shower, the feeling of safety, I feel myself disappearing.
I try and I try, to claw myself back from the dead. But the more I think about the memory, the worse I feel and the worse I get.
I was doing so well. At least I wanted people to think that I was 'doin my best'
But I'm not. I really am not. I am not doing so well at all.
I want to forget, I want to move on, but I can't.
I am trapped in a never-ending nightmare, and I can't wake up.
I am scared every day.
And I am trying. But It is so hard, I have had many times where I have thought about giving up. 'throwing in the towel.'
But I can't. No matter how hard it is, I have to think about my family. Those I love so much.
I couldn't leave them. No matter how hard it gets, I have to stay strong for them.
Because they are all I am.
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