sometimes when people talk about ´the one that got away,´ they usually are talking about a good moment, a great person, the one that they couldn´t keep.
but that´s not what I am saying. I am talking about the one that won´t leave me alone.
I was dreading talking about this one, but the more I don´t, the more I know that I have to. maybe it will help me move on, let myself go, the old me, the one I was with him.
no matter where he is in his life, I can´t stop thinking about him, not the kind, where I want him back, but more the way I want him to pay. I want him to live in my shoes, know what t was like for me, with him. even though it has been a good number of years, I feel his hands scraping away at my heart and soul. I know it may sound stupid, but sometimes I really don´t want to be here anymore. I have panic attacks, low days, I can´t breathe.
I have trigger things. it can be the smallest thing, a word, a reading, someone saying something. people talking, and it can set my mind off. I broke up with him long ago, and he is out of my life, but I feel as though he never left, and he has some kind of fold on me. having a relationship with anyone else has felt possible, after the heartache, abuse, manipulation, and sexual abuse that I went through. I want him out, I need him out, but he won´t get out. why won´t he leave me?
he is always here, and I don´t know how to get rid of him, to help me move on and somehow try and forgive him. let go of the old me, and only think back to those days, at the good memories, and not what happened after, or the bad memories. why can´t I move on? why won´t he leave`?
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