When I think back to last week, I was thinking about my life and all the memories that I wanted to make and feel. The loves that I wanted to experience, The adventures that I wanted to make, the steps I wanted to take. I was excited to feel, love and trust again. I kept telling myself to just hold on to anything that I wanted and not to let go, but even if you don´t want it to go, it will fall away and leave you holding a strand of nothing. Holding your soul in one hand, crushing it with every sweet spot, that all you hear is your heart crying out. Lungs throbbing in your chest, arms wailing, the hole in your heart, that your love used to live in, opens you up to the darkness where you wish the color would fill up again. I hear myself wishing that this would be over, before I dig my hole and climb right back into it, throwing the soil back over my head. hoping that somewhere there is someone wishing that I would stay above the ground and explore the world with them.
I sing to myself, as I hear those walking over me, from up above. Knowing that no one up there knew that I was still awake, feeling the pain of everyone's fear, deep inside my grave that I built for myself. Feeling the gravel sprinkle on my face, I close my eyes and try to think of a better place. somewhere that there was only love and families running around, enjoying the nature that lives within them. Green fields spreading over, flowers blooming, rainbows throwing themselves through the air, balloons leaving their nests and reaching up high, to roar through the skies. I am thinking of a better place, and I am dreaming that I will reach the gate, and be welcomed to join them in the sky. I would say goodbye to sadness, hatred, death, depression, and every horrible thing that I can´t swallow or run from, when I wake up and open my eyes to see. Opening up my eyes, I drag myself away from the world I wish I was still in, and see the dirt covering me, and coming down from above. Wake up, I try singing to myself, hoping someone would hear me, I stretch, and peel my eyelids open with tears and dirt. there is no space, no light shining through, and no weapons to dig me out of the grave I dug myself in. The hole I thought I wanted, but start to realize that this is not quite what I was wishing for when I dug my hole.
With every rain of dirt falling on me, I knew that I needed to fight my way out of this hole before I died waiting for my fate. Slowly, my fingers make their way up the dirt-holding me in and start scratching at my mold. I am only in a small way before my arms start to giveaway in the air, and fall to my side in my canon. Knowing that I had to carry on, I start fighting against the current holding me in place. Scratching, my heart throbbing in my chest, thinking that I would never surface. Feeling the pain holding me down, I cry my heart out as I lay there, motionless. I feel weak, unloved, unwanted, forgotten. Closing my eyes, I think that this will be the last time that I will ever see the world above, and I start to accept my fate. Relaxing, whilst tears stream down my face, a feeling of regret washes over me, wishing that I was anywhere but here, in the grave that I dug for myself. There is no longer any crying, or emotions as I think that this is it, this is where I die.
Although before my heart gives up on me, it convinces my brain to flood my body with color, love, happiness, and everything that I love from above. I suddenly feel the strength and love of my mother, and the forgiveness that I gave my father, and the love of all of my family and friends. Feeling it all over my body, I smile, feeling a light shining through me, I open my eyes to see a small light glazing through the dirt above me, encouraging me to follow. And I do, I dug my way out of the hole that I dug for myself. The sun pours over me, blinding me, with every stretch of light, holding me up to see the world with light and not darkness. A smile escapes my face and the weights that held me down in the hole, fell from my shoulders, and all I had were the lit lifts of something better coming my way.
I am up, out of the hole that I built for myself, and I can´t help but look down at the hole that I thought I would be happier and smile. But within the smiling, I am also crying. Because I couldn´t believe that I thought that I would be happier deep in the hole that built for myself.
This is the hole that I build for myself every time that I feel sad, depressed, or alone.
I wish that I would build that hole-less and less over time, but I know that that doesn´t happen. I am beginning to understand, that It is how I dig myself out and let the light shine in, that Is the most important thing, and the thing that gets easier, once I know how to.
Sometimes, that hole that I build for myself, can take longer for me to dig away. It can sometimes take weeks, even months to dig myself back to the world of the living. Most times I think that I would rather stay under the sheets of dirt, and sink in the earth, and never resurface again. But I know that I need to carry on in the land of the living, before I dig my last hole in the earth, and close my eyes forever.
Comments