The day started out well. I slept ok, ate food, spent the day outside, and completed many assessments for my new job. But, out of now where, I start to shake, I fidget uncontrollably, I am crying, streams, draining my cheeks with wetness. I start to bite my arm, to sustain to pain, thinking that the pain will subside and leave my system. I am becoming angry at the thought because it stays with me and I feel sick. I throw myself at the toilet, holding myself back, before throwing up in the toilet. Tying my hair up, I sit down on the floor and hold my legs, rocking back and forwards. Reliving this is painful, it breaks my heart and it is soul-crushing that I don't feel like I can do anything about it. I flick my hair band on my wrist, my leg is shaking, I can't sit still, I feel like I am going crazy and I will faint. I am not doing well, I feel sick, mentally and physically. I feel so drained like I have nothing left to give. I try to do my best and make others proud, but it is so hard. Living up to others' beliefs of who I am or who I could be. Because as much as they say I can do it, I don't believe it. Not completely. That sucks. I hate that I can't see what they see.
I truly wish that I could see the person they see, and who they know that I could become if I put in the work. And I try, but it is hard. When everything feels out of your reach like it is always in front, but never in your hands. Running towards an empty string, that has nothing on the end for you.
I know, but it is hard not to feel like this. Because I have plans for my future, and I want to get there, it will take time which I understand, but sometimes when I am feeling so low, I don't see any good in my path.
Anyway, a nice post, followed by this one stands high on my calendar. Like it was writing itself, with me just lingering around waiting for the dust to settle. I am! Quite literally, I am in bed, with everyone else sleeping soundly. Time ticks by, one minute to midnight. So I should probably try and sleep.
Night all! Until next time.
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