I'm listening to music, Disney, happy music, pump music, something with a beat, to make me smile, laugh, make a sound. Nothing comes out. I can smile, talk, scream, i can't even cry. I'm a wall, with too much emotion. And no poker face to my face now.
I've missed lunch completely. On purpose, i had a good breakfast, full of goodness. I'm so hungry, but i can't make myself eat. I could make something, but it'll just sit there, until i throw it away.
Why do i do this to myself?! I could really help here, pick myself up, and live for food. I used to love food, i still do, but before, you couldn't get me to stop. It was like a food organism.
That's three days of work that I've said i can't come in, missed the shifts, lost the money. Messed with myself, when my mind doesn't wake up, after a night of not sleeping.
I hate feeling like this!
Like i can't even get out of bed, eat anything, no connection with anyone, no energy to do anything. Let alone have a shower.
My roommate has COVID, and the biggest Form of therapeutic cuddles, are locked in her room. I miss my little Prince, and Slikkepind and M. I miss my laughs, i miss smiling, i miss my humourous personality, whenever I'm like this.
I got to pick myself up, i know!
But it's hard, especially when I can't even get out of bed. Waste away, looking into nowhere, not eating, showering, smiling. Sometimes i hate my days off, because when I'm sad, I'm badly depressed. And when I'm at work, either depressed or "sober-(from depression)" i don't want to be there, and try to plan my escape. Which sucks.
I got to learn how to not always think this bad. And hopefully one day i will, i look Forward to that day, when things start changing.
Comments