One month sober

Tomorrow will be a month sober.

I am not an alcoholic. But I have had many struggles with drinking.

Been many close moments, where I could be classed as being very close to being an alcoholic. And that has scared me. Because I like drinking. But once I am in that world, every memory comes flooding back and all I feel that I can do is try and drown myself in my sorrows.

So I drink. And drink, and drink some more. Then all out of no where, I've had 6 shots of tequila, 5 glasses of baileys, and a couple of beers.

I struggle most when I am on my own, as I walk past the beverage isle, glancing then galring as I stand still taking in the prices of the drinks.

Rows and rows, filled from top to bottom, with different kinds of drinks.

Filled with despair, emptiness and blackness of the hole that would be at the bottom of every drink.

They don't have any warning signs, telling us that it is dangerous, because why would they?

But it is. The long haul, if I continue down this road, all hell will break lose.

I know that I need help. But, I sometimes think that I don't need the extra help. Because there are times when my drinking isn't a problem. That I can contain the amount that gets flushed down my system.

But I have also come to know, is that when I start, I can't seem to stop. I'll take drinks from others, or befriend someone to getting me more. NO wonder I get myself in these horrible situations.

Don't get me wrong, I know that it isn't my fault. But who will defend me, who will stand up for me, look out for me, when I am hurting, when I am almost died.

Only I can, because I am the only one that is out with me, when I am out drinking. I am alone. And god, is it so lonely.

But yes, one month dry. Trust me, I have had a lot of struggles with not drinking. And I hate feeling like this, desbrate for people to like me, if I spend money that I don't have.

Trowing in the drinks, partying hard, realising at the end of the night, when all the 'friends' I'd met that night, weren't really friends at all.

I'd been dancing on my own.

But no matter how much I hold on to life, I couldn't get out of the hole that I had dug for myself. I felt dirty, violated and sick.

And yet, I didn't stop. I didn't think that I could.

This month has shown me that I can.

However, as good as this month is, I have been here before. Taking time away from alcohol but being dragged right back in a couple of days.

If I start this course, maybe it will help. Maybe it won't. There are many that have been taking the same course since they were my age. I don't want to be the same when I am their age.

I truly don't know what too do.