Me, myself and I

Sometimes I feel like I have to put on an act, say that I am fine, and carry on even though inside me I am screaming and dying.

I feel alone, abandoned by those who I love and who love me back. I know that they didn't choose to leave me, they did that for themselves. But still, I feel all alone in this world.

I meet with friends, and my anxiety gets the better of me, I shake, I can't form sentences, and then I give up and go all quiet. A random smile now and then, to feel somewhat involved and a part of the conversations.

When I visit family or friends, I almost feel like I am saying goodbye. For good, that maybe this time I'll go through with it and 'set myself free?' I almost have to catch myself out, before my emotions get out of control, so I close myself away, I don't talk to anyone, I put myself in a dangerous situation, so as not to have to lie, to my loved ones, to put quilt on myself, and not have to face the music. Which is the rest of the world.

What good is that doing?

I couldn't do that to my mother, or my sister, brother of Far. But I am dying inside, and I don't know how much longer I can deny my emotions and ignore my brain, before I explode and give in. Let the sadness take hold of me, and completely cover and drown me in it.

My sister and best friend live a long way away and in a different time zone. They have their own lives, I'd just be disturbing them and making them sad, and for what?

My Far and little brother, oh how I love them dearly and miss them soo much, they live in Danmark.

I feel so alone. That I have no one to talk to. I can't talk to my mother like I did before, anymore. It isn't the same. Too much has happened. Far, doesn't always know how to react, so why burden him?

My sister, I could talk to, but she is busy when I am free, and I am busy when she is free. We don't have the time. And my best friend? I couldn't put all of this on her.

So, I just have my blog. People may read this or not, but no one comments or communicates back. So who knows...