Losing faith

I am losing faith in you guys. You say that you want more than just a hookup, you use me and then you throw me aside when you're finished with me. How do you think that makes me feel?

And still, I give you another chance, to use me and treat me so poorly. You're either, too obsessed with the fact and you won't take no for an answer. Even when I say I only want to be friends. I don't want to hook up with you, I don't trust you to meet up with you so I bring a friend. But then you decide not to meet because you're scared. Of two strong women?

Or because you can't talk your way through my 'No's' and you think that I will suddenly say 'YES'!?

Or you pretend and lead me on thinking that you want more than just a hookup

So I guess I have to decide, whether I want to be creeped out by a guy who doesn't listen to me, and pretends that we are in a relationship even though I tell him to leave me alone, he gets back into my life and I am too scared to open my door. Or I meet guys that treat me like shit, but at least they still want me, right?

They still come back to me.

I came out as bisexual years ago. But the only women that seem to be interested in me are those that want to hook up. Those women that just want to use me, like those horrid guys. And the women I like are either not interested in me or are straight.

I sometimes feel that I am not good for any girl, so why not let those guys treat me like shit because they are clearly the only ones that really want me. Even if it is only physical and I feel like shit after.

I go for guys because I have had my heart broken so many times, for falling for the wrong woman. To be honest, I don't know how long I can go on like this.

Looking back on all my past relationships, I have never felt loved. I have felt like I have had to pretend to be something they want. So I flirt with them, I attach myself to guys to feel some kind of love even if only for a night. I cling to it. Then I wake up and feel dirty and useless and sick. I have never had a real girlfriend. Jut has been used by some. But I know that when I talk with my girlfriends, and when I say that, I mean, women that are my friends. They listen to me. Even if none of them are actually interested or gay. I still love them, because they are my friends.

I don't want to hook up with any more guys, I am just too scared to be hurt by another woman.

So where does that leave me? Someone tell me because I have no next step.