I'll try.
I do try.
My anxiety is off the roof,
Thinking there's always someone following me,
My steps get longer and faster,
As i move faster, faster, faster along the pavement.
There's no one. I stop, look around slowly, have i imagined you? Standing behind me?! No! You're there, so i pick up the speed,
Rushing down the road,
Getting closer to my door,
I tumble with my keys,
They fall out of my hands,
And i bend down searching for them in the dark like an idiot.
I've got them, grab my keys and stand up. Holding my hands over my eyes. I breathe, in and out. Then turn around, no one is there.
I'm calm, for a couple of seconds, before i panic, thinking that you're hiding in a bush, behind a sign post, or just standing on the other side of the road.
I've got the key in the door, i turn it, and open the door wide, pulling it behind me quickly as i step between the frame.
As the door closes, i see you walking towards me, and i shut the door in your face. Hurrying to lock the door, i step away from the door and breathe.
Maybe I've imagined it, but there's a knock, and i breathe in, not out. Holding my breathe as i start to panic, then it's silent. And i breathe out.
Knowing that the door is locked, i walk around the house checking doors and windows, and rush to the back to lock. Forgetting that my roommate uses that door to enter the house.
She's now mad at me! Upset that i locked the door. I say, "I'm sorry, i forgot, and i won't do it again."
I haven't since. I can't go near that door,
I don't know why I'm like this.
I think it's because i don't feel safe. Don't feel safe in the house that live in,
Don't feel safe in my body,
Don't feel safe in this life I've built for myself.
I'm probably just thinking to much, and that's what's getting to me. But i don't think so. Because I've always been like this.
No matter where i go, i never feel safe enough, because it's ME that's going to these places.
It's my body,
It's my mind,
It's my sickness,
It's me!
It's the memories of every guy that thought that my body was there's,
It's the girls that didn't like themselves, so they hated me,
It was me! My inner voice that said that i wasn't good enough for me or anyone else.
Have bad dreams, whilst sleeping, about girls treating me bad, and i locking myself away, inside myself, in a room, never opening up for anyone.
It was me! I locked myself in, and now i can't get out.
So, i lock the doors,
Close and lock the windows,
Wrap myself in blankets,
Hiding under my duvet,
Listening to sad lyrics.
You asked me once, why i lock the doors?
Well, now you know! You know some!
So, every night, every time I walk past the front door, i always check. Always check that the door is locked. I can't help it. It's a routine now, to feel safer. I could have just checked that the door is locked, when heading past, but then on the way back, past the door, i always check, again!
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