I miss my independent life. Feeling productive, motivated, and Happy living alone. I loved, making my own food, buying my own goods, travelling on my own, and cleaning my own living space. Ture, there were parts of my independent life that were hard, like paying rent and being lonely. But I still thrived on it. Since moving back, I have gotten quite lazy, with cleaning, cooking, and spending time outside my own bedroom. I am finding it hard, some days are worse than ever. And many other days, I can't get out of bed.
Recently I was asked by a loved one, 'how much do you want to lose?' This question took me by surprise because they are asking about my weight. Not in a mean way, I know. But I couldn't answer them.
I miss having the money to go to the gym, buy new clothes, spend time with family, have savings, not being stressed about having no money, trips that could've been planned and so much more.
With this new job, as a healthcare assistant with the NHS at Norwich Hospital, I will hopefully be able to pay back debts, put away money in savings, have money to spare, and find a shared apartment, to move into.
I am pushing out new friends because I can't deal with their drama, as I feel like I am drowning in my own. I am biting again, throwing up whatever I can, and I drink for no reason. The reason that I am putting it on here, is that I wouldn't say this out loud, so it's easier to write it down. Because I know, that I won't do anything about it, and I will most likely deny it all to people, face to face. Because I am scared, and I don't know how to change it.
There were some bad moments when living independently, but I don't want to think about that, not right now. I grew up with a roof over my head, food in my body and clothes on my back. I appreciate everything that I have had throughout my life. Then during the first Covid, I moved to Germany and lived and worked there for a year. It was hard, but I loved the independency, then I moved to Denmark, and I had more of an independent life. Spending time doing things for myself, meeting new people, trying new things, and working hard. When things got hard, I went and sought help, the kinda help that I needed, and the kind of help I never received here in the UK.
I see my sister and her partner, live this amazing independent life. I also know that it wasn't always as nice as it seems when you look at them. But they have worked so damn hard to get to where they are and I am so proud and so amazed with what they have achieved, and still so young. They are my role models. I know that I don't always seem like I appreciate everything that my sister does for me, and to help me, but I do. I am just not always great at showing her how much I love her and miss her. So, I guess I show her here, and in what I do, to achieve and be the best that I can do and be. I wanna be the person that they see, the one that they know I can be. I love her, I love him, I love them both so much. And they are always there for me, even if I don't always deserve it.
I am currently studying to retake my Maths and English GCSEs, I am struggling with my Maths, but I know that I have the support and the help through Maths, that I might need to pass. I was given permission to study a particular binder for English retakes, from my auntie. I have been going through it, and there is so much detail, however, I am excited, because I know that it will help me study for my retakes.
My plan, is for my future, at least for the next 5 years. Where do I see myself in 5 years?
Working my way up as an NHS carer, paying back my debts, moving out for good, saving, and living my best life, with full independence. In 5 years, I want to be living somewhere else, maybe living in another country, working hard, and meeting new people. I have so many plans for my future, plans that I never planned for before.
Before, I didn't plan, because I didn't see a future for myself. To be truth, I didn't think that I would get to my 20's. And now I am 24, travelled a lot, plan to travel more, am a hard worker, and I am paying back my debts, slowly, but still efficiently.
I am so close to my little brother, but in order to see him face to face, without the screen in the way, I need the money to travel and see him. I miss him so much. We got closer, within a year and a half, when I lived in Denmark.
Come on! This will be my year, to see a few things straight. Pay back all my debts, move out for good, and work hard at a job that I love and enjoy. Whilst spending my free time with those I love, and doing things that I want to do.
Knowing that so many are doing what they want in life, is where I want to be in my life. Some know what they want, and what they want to achieve. Now, why can't I?
You are right, I can!
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