I love her, my sister...

Ocean, my strong and loving sister.

She is independent, beautiful, loving and such an inspiration, to who she is and everything that she's done. She's only 25, almost 26, and she's amazing.

I've always loved her name. Ocean, the sea. Atlantic.

We were close at the start, i don't remember much about when i was a child. But i like to believe that we were close. Even if that changed.

We are closer now. That's the most important thing. But we weren't always.

There's a period, a long period i think, where my actions were appalling. I regret the whole time and i wish I'd never done it.

I don't remember when it started, but i used hit my sister. I was abused, then i became the abuser, then was abused again, and again, and again. And i used to think that i deserved it for what i put my poor sister through.

I know that no one deserves it. No matter what they did. But i can't help it, can't help thinking like that.

I felt so alone, hurt, and the pain was too much, that i was scared and angry at the world because off what i went through everyday. So i lashed out, on myself, on my things, and worse of all, my sister. She was scared, and i was scared.

When she moved out, it crushed me. Because i knew it was my fault.

I never told anyone, about how i was feeling, how sick i felt, how much i didn't want to be here anymore. For years and years i said nothing. I got so used to keeping it inside, that when i needed to talk, i couldn't.

I'd write, stories, and in my diary. But it didn't do anything, so I'd close myself more. And starting to think that i wasn't worth being fixed.

I believed this for so long, and still, sometimes i feel it still. Now. When I'm so deep in the dark, i feel this the worse.

Luckily, i opened up, because i don't want to know where I'd have been if i didn't. Even though, I'm still holding on to so much, and not telling anyone.

Like i said, me and my sister are closer now. And i don't know what I'd do, if i never got her back. The fact that she was scared, when i was scared, makes me sad and cry so much. I was scared of me, and she was scared of me, that is something that should never be.

I tell her almost everything now. And what i don't tell her, she reads on my blog. My most readable subscriber. Always reads what i write. Which makes me happy. Because when i can't say how i am, she reads about it. It's too hard to talk, but easier to write.