How do I 'try not to give up' when I have already given up?
I believe that I have always known that I gave up a long time ago. It is hard to say that, but I truly believe that to be true. And I know that this blog is about how I live with Depression and Anxiety, and 'i've got to be uplifting!'
But I can't.
Just like I have believed that I gave up long ago, I have always believed that I was supposed to write. As it's a true passion, even though a lot is dark. It is a way for me to express how I am feeling, those words that I can't bring myself to say out loud, I write down as it's easier.
I had a meeting today, a therapy session and it was dark. I cried so much that my face hurts, my nose is dried up, and no smile appears through streams, and streams of tears. I am so tired of this. So tired of feeling so helpless, scared and sad. We talked about how I was feeling and I answered questions about what would happen if I ended up in the hospital again. I am scared, but I also think it would be best before I do something that I will regret. That's what I am most scared of. That I will do something that I can't take back. Because, once I do it, there's no going back.
They can give me the help, medication and support that I am not getting out here. They can stop me from doing something bad, they know what to do and how to help. It could be any day now, I NEED the help, the help that I am not receiving. I NEED to go back to the hospital.
I am listening to sad music, now at home, under the duvets, lunch is sitting on the side table next to me. Going cold, the homemade soup looks lumpy now, and my coffee is stone cold. I can't eat anything. I can't do anything anymore. Except write, looks like I can do that.
I don't eat, I make myself sick, and when I do, it hurts and there isn't even anything in the sick. I feel like I am throwing up my organs.
I self-harm. Mainly lots of biting my arms and punching my thighs. Sometimes I'll cut.
I have tried calling and talking to people that are there to help. It doesn't help.
I always think about how I'd go, how I'd die.
Some time ago I found a letter that I had written when I was younger. I don't have the letter anymore. But I can remember, that I was young, and I was asked to write a letter to myself in 10 years. Where I could see myself, what was I doing?
The letter said, "I see myself gone. No longer here. I don't see a future for me." I remember that I read through this with tears, but pocketed it, and wrote another. Making it up. What I wished for, but didn't think that I could get. Wished for a family, children, a good job, and something to be proud of.
I can't say that I am proud of my life so far. Maybe my writing. How far I have come. But not much else.
I have seen so many people that were there to help me, throughout my life, and I got no more to give. I feel sick and pointless. I don't feel like I belong. And I can't let go of my bad memories. I relive them every day. I feel sick, violated and hopeless.
Hey, I know that this is a downer. But I felt I need to be honest. To get the help that I needed, maybe it will help this time. As I don't have any more or anything else to give.
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