It was Christmas eve, and the whole family were enjoying our times together. Full of laughter and joy. Games on demand, and Christmas jumpers which made us all laugh but love wearing for infinity.
Family members drunk, try and be sober and talk in depth with Grandad.
People pile of and head to bed.
Others stay up and talk about a movie with loud music.
I write this drunk. But good. Laughing and not, to every joke on TV.
Listening to cousin and uncle chat about the movie.
Will not know what I've written until the day after.
I am 25, and my whole.life I've not known what to say or do when around one particular family member. And god, I have no idea why. Maybe I'm too emotional, and I am scared that I'll not know what to say to them. Maybe I just don't think I am good enough, and have no idea what to say to them. Not because I am scared or love them less. But when I am around them, they seem so confident, and I? Overthink that I say. Thinking "is that really something i am going to say to them?"
I am getting better.
Sometimes I feel apart of. My family, and sometimes I feel like an outsider. I love them so dearly. Just sometimes, I have no idea what I am doing to earn their love or presence.
I know! They love me know matter what, but sometimes I feel like an outsider to my closest family.
Even though, I know that we are all different and brings something new and different and fun to the family and all outings. I am weird, and bonkers and get randomly drunk with my cousin. But I love it
Because its me and I'd not want to be anyone else.
And you shouldn't either.
Comments