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Drinks!!!!

Writer's picture: Bjørk O'HaraBjørk O'Hara

Updated: Feb 4, 2022


This has always been a hard subject to talk about, because it is ongoing.


But i will try.


I was younger, when it all started,

I took to alcohol to calm my nerves,

I thought it would help, shutting myself away.

I hid inside, and built a wall around my heart,

Not letting others in, that tried to save me.

Thinking that i could not be saved,

That I was not worth the struggle,

That i would never feel the love i crave for or feel safe within myself.

I was crying out, from within,

But no one heard me, so i took ahold of the only drink that was near me.

Wine! Red wine, i poured myself a glass, and swallowed the liquid.

As it pushed and slushed against my throat, with a sharp turn, it threw itself down, until it hit rock bottom in my stomach.

I didn't like it.

But i didn't think about that, so i poured another glass, then another, until the bottle of wine was empty.

I didn't care, when i rocked with no balance, into everyone.

I didn't mind when someone too interested in me,

Even though I was intoxicated, and he took advantage of me,

I knew better, i knew right from wrong and so should he. And i knew that when someone says "No!" it means NO!

But i guess he didn't care.

At the time i thought i had everything,

he took it with one action, and again, i was left with nothing.

I scurried up, to a standing position, no emotion left to show.

Never i mind, i say, as i grab the next drink and head outside.

Drinking that bottle dry, i grab another, and another, and pass out on a bed. Not remembering anything else from that night.


That's one of many times that I've drank, so much, not remembering what happened that night.


I remember one time, i was at friends house, during the day, and we went next door to her neighbors house and we day drank. I made an excuse to why i couldn't come home, after we drank, to my mother and slept on my friends couch.

I don't remember what happened.


There's two nights out.

With two different groups of people,

We drank, i drank, a lot. So much, that i don't remember anything.

The only thing i remember, is that it went dark and bad very quickly. And my "friends" left me alone. With people that i didn't know. And i wasn't even that old.

One of these groups, was just a young girl. It was a long time ago, i don't even know how we did it.

You could tell that we were way to young to be clubbing, but we got into a club, two clubs, because we acted older, seductive, and drunk, we needed the toilet. We drank and danced, then security asked us to leave.

When we hit the pavement with our feet, we were drunk as skunk.

I don't remember much after that.


I went to a house party with friends from school. I don't remember much from that night, even now. Years later.

All i know, is what my friends told me, the day after.

It was bad. I was depressed. Crying uncontrollable. I laid in the middle of the road for, I'm not sure how long. I longed for my crush to see me, but all he could see was another. I was embarrassed, and sad. Because all i wanted was to be apart of the group. Make friends with them. I got two, years later. One i still talk too, another, now and again.


I went to Latitude festival. Many times in my years. But this memory, was my worst. I don't even remember much of it. The same girl i went drinking with before, was dating my friend. One night, we were thinking about drinking and having fun. I guess they thought i needed loosening up. So they did just that.

She mixed my drinks in one bottle. And knowing me, i wanted to forget.

They didn't tell me about the mixing of my drinks, i found out from others the day after. But i could taste two drinks on my tongue. Wine and tequila. At the time I didn't think much about it. I trusted her, and she was with a close friend of mine.


We started out in the campsite, where are tents were. And drank, a ton. Then we prepared to walk a ten minute walk, that took around half an hour to 45 minutes. We made our way through a mountain of people and started dancing on hill with others and music.

I know I've said this a lot, but i truly don't remember anything from them, until i wake up in my tent the next morning. My mum told me that i called her, drunk, scared and crying from one of the outdoor cubicles. I was asking her to come and get me, because i couldn't get back to the tent safely. This was really early in the morning. 3-4am i think. I might be wrong. All i know is that it was really late. She told me to stay in one spot, until she came, so i hid in the toilet. We made our way back, it was hard, and she made sure i was safe and in my tent. I passed out.

I woke the next morning to throw up in the tent. It was disgusting. And when i talked to mum, i remember slightly that when i came back, my friend and his girlfriend with having sex in their tent. But conveniently, she was back in the tent we shared together, the next morning. They gave me excuses for their actions, but they didn't even care.


I didn't trust them after that. I cut ties with the girl, and kept my friend at a distance. We aren't so close anymore. Friends, but not close.


Many years later, i remembered a little from that night, a guy, that my so called friends pushed me towards, then left me alone with him. I was too intoxicated to disagree. I was having fun and enjoying the music. I remember something about hiding in a bush. Then nothing.

I don't know what happened with the guy, but the next morning i do remember hurting in between my thighs.


I have so many bad stories. Everytime I've drank, I've had a bad dip and never a good time. I remember being sexually abused, and abandoned by my so called friends.


I spent a year in Germany. Working. But it was so hard, being away from everyone i knew. To live with two different families that treated me really badly. I fell into a deep depression and drank. Everyday. It gave me the courage to stand up for myself. But it also become a routine and apart of my life. A part that i tried, so many times to cut out.

New years was horrible. I was trying to keep it together, but i started to drink, invited guys over to take advantage of me, and killed my tears before they tried to escape from within, and all they wanted was to fall down my face.


I was more annoyed with myself for giving him chance after chance. And him not taking the chances and messing with my mind. Time after time. Then ignoring me for days. Two weeks ago, i gave him his last hundred chance. I told him not to bring alcohol, but he did. And we drank lots. I said that we wouldn't do anything sexual activity because i was mad at how he always treated me. But he convinced me. And I'd given up on fighting.

We end up sleeping together, and he stays the night. Then he rushes out of my house the next morning and ghosted me for weeks.

Don't worry, I've deleted his messages and not communicated with him since. He's not getting another chance.


To this day, well, 10 days, sober. This is a big step for me, because i will be tempted to drink, and I've drank a lot and fell of the path i set for myself. I will do a week, then give in and drink. Feel ashamed, and then pick myself up and stop. It's a continuous deadly cycle. I am not an alcoholic, and i never want to get to the point where i could be. But I've been so close to taking that step.


And the thing is, i like to drink. But it's mainly to hide my depression and anxiety and try to be confident. Although it never quite works out like that. I won't stop drinking. But i will not drink every single day, loads at a time. I need to learn to drink, and hang out, not drink and get drunk.


That was hard work! I don't even like talking about this, but i should. As it's not healthy to keep everything bottled up.

It's also slightly alarming and informing, to read about how bad it is.



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