Some days I have trouble getting out of bed. I know that most days that I am not working, they cause me real trouble doing anything. But those days when I have appointments and work, I have to use all the power that I have, and sometimes I don't have the power, to pull myself out and get myself moving.
For example, I had work yesterday, and the night before I spent the whole day in bed because I only could get up to use the toilet. I ate nothing all day, sleeping the time away, that when I needed to sleep, I couldn't. I was so close to cancelling my shift, but I knew that I couldn't. One thing, I can't afford to miss any more days, secondly, I didn't want to, as that would go on my record, and thirdly, I knew that if I had cancelled, I would've slept the whole day, and not done anything. Plus, I didn't have a good enough reason for cancelling. I mean, it wasn't like I was dying. I was just mentally sick of living.
I couldn't sleep all night, and by the time it was 3 am on Monday, my alarm would go off at 4:40, I knew that I wouldn't wake up to my alarm, so I decided that I wouldn't sleep at all. So I would do all that I could do without falling asleep. I ate breakfast, coffee and toast, for the first time in months, since starting the job at the hospital. I had a shower, got dressed, made my lunch, and still had time before leaving for work. Which I did on time. Making sure that I arrived at work with lots of time to rest.
It was a long hard day, with ups and downs. I was stressed and sad the whole day. Don't let me forget to mention how shattered I was.
By the time I got home, I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. Forgetting to put my phone on charge, thinking that It would be fine and would stay on until the morning. How stupid was I?
Then when I did wake up, it was later than I thought, and I felt mentally drained.
Someone once asked me if this job was something that I had wanted to do for a long time. And first I said yes. But now after time of thinking about it, my answer is no. I love the job, and interacting with my patients, and I am good at it. But, not forever. My true passion is writing. However, I feel drawn to mental health, and helping and working with some kind of mental health job or charity. And writing, I'd like to be an author. I know I said I'd like to be a mental health nurse, but I have come to realise that I don't want to be a nurse, but I want to work in the mental health industry.
I'd like to still get my English and Maths GCSEs. And do some courses, training, and possibly uni degree in mental health and writing.
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