I think I know why I was sick, these last day or two.
I was shivering, and sweating, being sick every hour, but not the sick you get when you have drank too much, or the sick you get when you've got a stomach bug. this sick, felt like someone was scrapping from my insides, and throwing them out of my mouth. I can feel it forming in my stomach, but before I can save myself or my floor, as I run to the toilet, it comes flying out of my mouth.
I sit on the bathroom floor, shaking, rocking from side to side. Not sure what to do. I can't eat or drink anything as I can't keep anything down.
I have had to cancel a shift at work, for the first time in 2 or 3 months, after promising that I would never cancel another shift again.
Mind you, it was for my health.
I called the doctors, and they said that there was an illness going around. However, I have felt like this, many times before. And I know that it has something to do with my mental health. When I work LD shifts at work, I don't keep myself hydrated, as well as I should. When I am off work, I tend to not eat, sometimes, I won't eat all day, and then order something from Ubereats.
Or, on night shifts, where I overeat, and then when I get home from a night shift, I sleep most of the day, but then I can't sleep that night.
They said that this job was hard, they didn't sell it enough. It is hard, but I also love my job. And I wouldn't give the job up, just because my mental health thinks better. I don't want to feel like this anymore, I don't want to keep blaming my mental health, and letting it win and take over my life.
I am 25 years old. I have lived with my depression, anxiety, trauma and loss, for almost all of my life. Did you hear that?!
I am 25 years old, and I am still here.
I believe that I can overcome anything. That I can get better, feel better in myself, and only surround myself with those who I love and love me, those who have always stood by me, supported me, and who I want in my life. And the others?
I am not ready to let back in. And I am afraid. Because I don't know when I will be ready to let them back in, if soon, or never. Or one day.
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