why is asking for help so hard for us?
I am sitting here, wondering where did my life go so wrong, in my eyes at least.
why has it gone down this route, and why, now, do I say, Í could have changed it, but of course I must have not cared´. but I did care, I just could not control it back then.
Could it be when I was four, leaving my dad in Denmark, me, mum, and my sister, because of his infidelity?
when I was young, I was touched inappropriately by a family friend. this man was a father of 4 sweet children. Our mothers went to school together. I thought that I was safe, comfortable, and welcomed in their house. But I must have been stupid, I should have known, right?
Wrong! no child or anyone, should know how to act when put in that situation. it is not their fault that other people think they have the right to do what they like and touch someone else. because they think they have the power to make someone uncomfortable and dirty. No one has the right to do that to another person!
When I was a little older, barely an adult, I was groped and molested in a family adventure swimming park. I was with my family, it was my first time at this swim park, and I was really excited. I went on a massive slide with other people and my little brother but got corned by four or five big men. they touched, slapped, and groped me in places that they weren't allowed and had no right. but that made them want it more.
I´ve only told a fair few about this situation. some, have been supported, loving and respectful. others have said that I was asking for it because I felt the most confident that I have in a long time about my weight and body, that I thought I would be ok and safe in a bikini. and so, I was asking for it. I am dirty, I was asking for it, I should just let them treat me this way, I should roll over and carry on. I should be happy that men are interested in my body. God no! this is sick..!
This wasn't´t my fault, and it is not anyone else's fault. No one has the right to tell someone this, make them feel dirty, used, and uncomfortable. Don´t tell another person what to wear, and if they want to wear a slim dress or dance with a skirt, wear a bikini, or guys wearing dresses, don´t tell them not to. you have no right to.
Why do people bully others?
I was bullied for such a long time, from the age of 4 until 18. Because I was different, it was not the same as others, was from another country, that i didn´t fit in. When I moved, I was all me. But living in that situation, where I was bullied so badly, I lost myself. I have tried to get myself back, and it is only these last 2 years, even though the bullying, that I can feel myself coming out again.
My anxiety is new, ok, maybe not really new, but at least 6 years. sometimes I get small panic attacks, but I am working on them.
Right, to my first boyfriend, let´s just wrap it up, to thinking I was in for love, support, and happiness. but receiving manipulation, hatred, greed, and misery. As much as writing about what I have been through, my feelings, thinking back to what I went through, it is too hard, without crying. the thing is, I haven´t quite controlled how I see things that I went through. When I think about certain bad memories, I get pulled right back there, like I am experiencing it all over again. Which sucks!
I am always trying to think of the good times, and I have so many, which I love with all my heart. But even if I am thinking about something good, the bad creeps back in, and it is hard to get control and get it out. It is hard to stay strong, be in control, and pick myself up from the ´hole that I dug for myself.´ Is it really my fault, that I went down on this path, can I blame others, or is it all me?
What gives another the right to slap, grope, touch, pinch, abuse, manipulate, ruin, rape and so much more towards another person?!
It is a prison, and I want out!
Although can I make it out, can anyone?! we can all go through this, anytime. No matter what we say or try to do, not everyone listens. there are people that will say, ´who cares what you think, I like the way I treat others, I am going to carry on.´I guess we can´t change everyone. But we can try. Try and change the way we treat others, and how they treat you.
I believe that I can make it out, or at least, I can make it forward. And so can you! So can we all!
I may need a little help, support, love, care, and much more to give me the strength to own my depression and make something out of it. use it to help others.
So here I go!
Taking my first steps forward, one foot in front of the other. And even if I don´t t believe that I can work through this, and control this, right now, I know that I will not regret it in the long run. I can do this, count with me, five, four, three, two....one.
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