Tiredness overwhelms me, and I head to bed, to stop the shaking. I don't even realise that I am shaking until I can't longer control the pain. My breath gets heavy, trying so hard to breathe. I excused myself, away from the group of loud noises, and hid away downstairs.
Thinking that if I am alone, I can control it better. I can keep myself together, so I don't bother others. Everyone has their problems, why do I need to bring mine on others?
My body is still shaking, and tears are on full steam ahead, down my cheeks. Making puddles on the bed, allowing the music to drown out my pain through my ears.
I am sure to go deaf, ha, still whilst I shake, I try to show humour. What a mess I am!
Right when I have a plan, I am on track, and I know where I want to go with my life. Why can't I get this right?
People ask about my anxiety, and I know they care, but I push the topic aside because I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to show myself and my pain, so I hide, and say, "I am fine." or "I am good. No really, I am."
Now that I sit here and write, I can think about the day, and I was shaking long before tonight. I didn't realize how bad I was or how bad it got. Those that read this, will probably know my response when you message me, if you've known me long enough, I will say that I am fine. But I am not. I just don't want to talk about it. So please don't ask me, because I don't have the answers that you want or the ones you want to hear.
All I know is that I am carrying all the hate, pain, and horrid things that I have been through, like a weight on my shoulders. A never-ending weight that will never leave. All that pain and I can't let it go. I am such a mess.
Trust me, some days I seem fine, and I look better, but inside, I am screaming.
There is just too much pain, and I am either not ready to dig through it all, or I have started to believe the hurt. And I don't think that I will get rid of the pain.
I do believe, that some days, when I write here, it helps. And sometimes it doesn't. But sometimes it really does, even if only for the day.
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