I was invited to a birthday meal, to celebrate with family, my step siblings. And i was excited, the thought of being out of the hospital and kinda being free, even if only for a couple of hours. But it wasn't good. I wasn't ready.
As soon as I left in the car, i found myself thinking that i just wanted to be back in the hospital, safe within the walls that could help me with myself. Wishing, for something to happen where I'd need to go back before the time we agreed upon.
I've never felt like i fit well or like i am apart of half my family. I am different. And sometimes it sucks, because no matter how hard i try to connect, talk with them or interact. They ignore me, and i feel invisible. Always. Never stops. And then i don't wanna be there anymore.
It was a massive step, to go out for dinner far away from the hospital, and i was scared, i didn't feel safe. I couldn't talk, i felt someone was after me, and i felt alone. There were too many people, and i felt like disappearing into a black hole. Like anyone would care if i suddenly disappeared or notice me not there.
I saw gravel from the grave i buried myself in, and i couldn't get out or scream. I wanted to come back to the hospital and bury myself under my sheets and never resurface again.
I tried to enjoy myself, but it was hard. The food was delicious, and then i came back and lied, saying that it was a great evening, when it wasn't. I'm done trying to connect with them. I've been trying for years, and no luck. And i am sick of it, sick of the rejection.
I am not cut out for this shit. I hurt too much and to quickly.
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