3am

Im lying in bed, trying to sleep.

Trying to shut off the wires in my brain.

Shivering from head to toe, but not from the cold.

Can't stop moving my body, feeling sick and on fire.

Pain shooting through every part of my body. Trying cling on too some heat aspect and failing. Pain, there you go again. Right down my arm. Where do you come from. I'd like to know.

22:00, i went to sleep. 3am, I'm still here.

Awake. Awake. Awake.

Not sure what to do next.. tell me, oh tell me, what do i do.

Used sleep meditation, tried to move my phone away from my brain. No luck. Still searching for another way out.

I gotta be up, in 4 hrs. To catch a call from two that matter. What to do, what to do.

I'm so tried. But no luck on sleeping.

I stood up, to head to the bathroom. Thinking a walk would make me sleepy. No luck. I almost fell over. I feel sick to my stomach, and i don't know why.

Maybe it's the lack and too much sleep. Sleeping at the wrong times, and then not enough. No energy for the ahead.

Or, the lack of food and water in my body. Skipping meals. Sleeping til noon, going bed past midnight.

Been like this on and off for years. It's not a habit i like keeping. But when i feel so low, and deep in the hole that dug for myself. There's no getting me outta there.

I'm shivering, but not from the cold. I feel sick. I feel like i was drunk the night before, but i haven't had s drink in 2 months. And that's a big thing for me.

Guess it helps with anxiety, but it's terrible for depression. And i have both.. maybe I'm having an anxiety attack.

I feel sweaty, shivering like jelly, and i got a pale face.

Reason, why i am writing to you now. And not when i wake up.

Well, mainly because this is raw. When you're in the emotion or feeling or situation. Better to use it now, than wait til later to catch this action.

Anyway, i hope you all are having better sleep, days and meals than i am.

Because I plan to get there, whenever I can.