My anxiety is worst than ever these days.
And it is only getting worse.
When I walk down the streets, I am terrified.
When I meet people, I am socially uncomfortable. I can't communicate the right way, my legs shake even more.
Whenever I am in public, I always imagine the worst.
I can't control anything anymore. I can't take a hold of my emotions and keep them at bay. I am struggling, with a poker face planted on my face.
Telling people that I am fine, and that I'll get through it all, even though I don't believe my own words and I am screening in pain inside. I repeat it, until it becomes apart of my dialogue.
I'm feeling the loneliness ever so more these days, but my anxiety about meeting others is preventing me on taking any action forward and keeping me at bay from meeting others. Almost as if it doesn't trust me to get by on my own.
Some people may say that going out on your own is better than no going out at all. And I believe it sometimes. Because you shouldn't shut yourself off from the world, no matter how sick of the world or of living in it, you feel. You have to try and get yourself moving, out of your room and then your house. This can be so hard, to try and then do, because pushing myself and really trying to even move is exhausting. It is too painful. Especially when it doesn't work, then you feel worthless, disappointed in yourself and feeling like a disgrace. To yourself and everyone around you.
I've never had a loving, warming and good relationship. I've always felt worthless, unwanted, dirty and useless. Like I wasn't any good, or good enough for someone good. When they use me, and then throw me aside, I blame myself thinking that if only i'd been someone that they wanted, they'd keep me closer and give me the love I know that I deserve. Instead I go after those people who treat me bad. It has affected me my whole life, and still does.
The past haunts me everyday. And I feel that there is no way to save me from it all, swallowing me in one whole gulp.
I feel that there is no escape, and also at the same time there are too many escapes but no way to save me from myself.
This morning, I had no idea what to write about. However, as soon as I took sometime, got out of the house and I was on my way to visit family, the words came flowing out of me. And now I can't seem to stop talking about my anxiety. Even sitting with family, I am stressed out of my mind, my anxiety is scaring me, but I write, and I fill the page with words, words that I can't say out loud. The words that come from my heart, that I struggle to show everyday, the emotions that I hide, will now and always stay on the page and haunt my heart.
There may be some people out there, that will read this and not understand, or they will. I am here for both sides, even if I can't be there for myself. I can't look after myself and look out for me, however, I will do anything to help others and be there for them.
I can be saved by my shadow, and be scared of my own darkness.
I can protect my heart, hide my emotions and pretend to be ok.
That is the price that I pay to carry on, going forward, even when I can't even move.
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